Archives for posts with tag: sex

And my mother doesn’t use Facebook. She gets too many messages from guys wanting to hook up. She is a P.I.M.P. It kind of runs in the family … My brother is gay and loads of women want to sleep with me. He just hasn’t found the right boy yet.

 One time a man tried to sleep with me. “But Hugh!” I hear you say. “Lots of rich and powerful and intelligent and attractive men want to sleep with you”. Yes they do, and I am straighter than my gay brother. What can I say. But this one, even though he’d read English at Oxford, and made a lot of money, and had a lot of drugs, didn’t like The Hobbit. He didn’t have time for fantasy. And that’s a quote. Obviously anybody who likes books knows the importance of fantasy! When I met my new bezzy, who has read a lot more than me, we immediately recognised each other for fantasy fans and started a firm friendship based on being losers. 

But back to Dave, gurning his cheeks off. He told me he hated The Hobbit. A girl told me that Brave New World was a masterpiece and I was all over her. I ranted to an English student about such deep poetry and she didn’t call me back. Bitch.

Anal sex seems to largely be a thing for girls who want to be liked and have low self-esteem. This is based on a very small sample and a few insinuations. It may not be true. There may be a whole horde of strong, independent women who love willies up their bumholes. 

This isn’t talking about men being anally penetrated, because there is a perfectly sound biological reason for a man putting a willy, fleshy or prosthetic, up his bottom. 

 

 

 

It seems like a lot of these posts are about sex. I don’t really have anything else to think about.

Let us pretend that I was complimented on being an extraordinary lover (I am an extraordinary lover, but unfortunately for the world’s population I am the only one that is allowed to appreciate my magnificence). If we take this to be true, then it would be a great shame. This would mean that my abilities as a lover are far beyond those of the average man or woman or child. Most people will never be able to achieve what is natural to me. Too many people go through life without giving such wonder and joy, and too few ever receive it. Life truly is tragic.

It could be argued that it is indeed unfortunate that this hypothetical lover of mine went so long without encountering an individual with such awesome prowess as mine, and they may never do so again as long as they live, but they did at least experience every inch of my love. They will know that, as they return to the mundane, there is much more.

This returns us to the idea that bliss is ignorance. Such an experience changes a person for ever. How could someone go on after this has happened? They’ve got to, I suppose, constantly searching for a lover that can be alll of what a lover can be.

I say this is hypothetical just because I don’t want to cause embarrassment or shame to anyone reading this as I am so really really amazing at sex.

Whenever I tell people that I am multi-racial – that my grandfather was a little black Jamaican man, that one uncle wasn’t allowed in a mess on a U.S. Air Force base and another uncle had a massive ‘fro – they don’t tend to believe me. I tell them to look at my pictures on Facebook, but they invariably can’t for whatever reason. Then I show them my genitals and they finally believe me.

Someone recently said to me that feminists fuck better. This certainly makes sense – I’ve been told that I’m a great fuck, even by people that I haven’t had sex with (but that doesn’t mean that they’ve not fucked me somehow). But I haven’t fucked many explicit feminists, so my data pool is rather shallow and it is difficult to come to a conclusion. So please, any feminists out there, I need your help. Leave a comment with your email address, phone number and location, and we will sort something out. Thankyou in advance for your help.