And my mother doesn’t use Facebook. She gets too many messages from guys wanting to hook up. She is a P.I.M.P. It kind of runs in the family … My brother is gay and loads of women want to sleep with me. He just hasn’t found the right boy yet.

 One time a man tried to sleep with me. “But Hugh!” I hear you say. “Lots of rich and powerful and intelligent and attractive men want to sleep with you”. Yes they do, and I am straighter than my gay brother. What can I say. But this one, even though he’d read English at Oxford, and made a lot of money, and had a lot of drugs, didn’t like The Hobbit. He didn’t have time for fantasy. And that’s a quote. Obviously anybody who likes books knows the importance of fantasy! When I met my new bezzy, who has read a lot more than me, we immediately recognised each other for fantasy fans and started a firm friendship based on being losers. 

But back to Dave, gurning his cheeks off. He told me he hated The Hobbit. A girl told me that Brave New World was a masterpiece and I was all over her. I ranted to an English student about such deep poetry and she didn’t call me back. Bitch.