There is a girl across from me in a sort of diagonal. I don’t know if she is ‘legitimately’ attractive or if I have decided that she is. She has brunette hair. She plays with it. She has pink boots. She has lips. She is wearing glasses. She is listening to music. She is studying. Goodness knows how I love studious girls.

I am going to sit here until she leaves so that I can see her from behind. “Go and speak to her” you say. Who wants to be disturbed when they’re studying? Also I don’t want to have anything to do with anyone right now. I want to be asleep. So I will go home and think about masturbating in the shower. I won’t do it though. It’s a chore. Washing the dishes, buying some food, sorting through my few possessions and drinking gin are all much more important. At least whilst looking at this girl I don’t have to think about my friends, or about how I will soon be ‘living’ next to a roundabout very near where I once lost my phone and wallet whilst trying to protect a friend who was down on holiday.

I would also rather feel empty like I do now with a rumbling stomach, instead of empty after I empty my balls all over my hand and use my friend’s shampoo to wash away all the little Me’s that will never be.

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