So this is what I do with myself on Friday nights, just like every young man should do in a vibrant, new town far away from ‘home’. Sitting by myself on my bed with my laptop and my books and a pen and a notepad. Doing nothing in particular, nothing constructive. Playing computer games and e-thugging and talking shit and pretending to myself that I will read some Lucretius and Hume and Shelley and Vidal and scribbling drivel about myself and people who will never know me and saving my stale sweat and telling myself I won’t ponder on people who ignore me and wondering where and what home really is.
I’m a citizen of the world I suppose, having seen very little of it. The limits of my language are the limits of my world, which is quite a shame. I have a grasp of the English language which expands my world in unwelcome and unexpected directions.
It’s also a shame that my mind is a mystery to me. There’s some vexation and annoyance in there, along with the generic sadness that comes from too much thought. Where is home? All my homes are in a far distant country. They collapsed on themselves and went far beyond reach. All I really want is to build a new one, but I’ve not come across anyone willing to help me lay the foundations. Everyone already has one and is uninterested in joining me, or they at least pretend to themselves that they are and are unwilling to take a ride somewhere nice.
Cigarettes and fresh air are of no real help, and I don’t know where to find the opium to help me forget. There are other ways to deal with life, but people are shit. It’s a numbers game. It just takes some time and luckily that’s something I have plenty of. There are some lessons to take away from door to door sales. Not everyone is a total asshole in a bad way.
I have to work tomorrow. It’s amusing to compare the bounce I had on the way in to my first day to the trudge I will sport tomorrow. I shouldn’t really be typing this out at 2.52 on a Saturday morning. There are better things to do, I know, but it’s bad form to masturbate whilst others are trying to sleep. After spending a few nights on a top bunk I am now aware that it creates quite a disturbance for the person above you.