I don’t fuck women. I spend my money on stuff like books. I can’t afford to chase women. The first editions that I bought of The Hobbit and Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone hit my bank account hard. I do love those videos of women just scissoring the fuck out of each other though.

But no, chasing women isn’t my bag. I wish it was. I would fit in much better. But it’s the books that get me hard.

I told a woman that and she laughed. I’ve heard that the key to getting a woman is to make her laugh, but this woman has a great big Australian boyfriend, so I don’t think that counts. He has a beard as well.

On to good news, I got my first phone number from a girl the other day! I told her that I would give her all the Harry Potter audiobooks read by Stephen Fry. Victory after all, I suppose! Well, it seems a very gloomy business.

I did at least get the contents of her hard drive.

Maybe on Saturday I’ll go and see what I can get whilst those disgusting rugby boys are having fun with their hairy waterfalls. My voice gets me so many friends.

My friend seems to think he’s Irish.