I want to say “fuck me”, but I don’t think it will come across in the right way. I don’t want it to be taken as an invitation, misinterpreted as an attempt at seduction. I’m too wordy for that. I want to it be something horrible and almost beyond imagination. An enormously bloated, poxed, filthy old man raping and disembowelling a 15 year old boy and girl. I want it to be everything that could ever be wrong, the foulest things in existence. How do you express that in those two little words?

Onward ho!

Someone on the internet said that The Hobbit is just a kids book, and a rubbish one at that. As a good friend said, he’s obviously Tolkien shite. What more could you want from a fantasy adventure story for children than high elves, wood elves, rustic little halflings, wizards, mountains, trolls, dwarves, kings, gold, all kinds of underground places, pipe, weed, magical rings, evil things, goblins, spiders, bear-men, goblins, creepy little evolutionary throwbacks, riddles, thieving etc, etc, etc. There’s a whole lot to it that the eye doesn’t instantly see. Our hero grows up and becomes himself, overcoming greed and violence and all of that nonsense that you would want to feed your child unless you’re a bit of a dubious parent.

Another reason not to be lonely!


Not that I need be lonely. I never have to be lonely, what with Harry Potter and The Hobbit to listen to, the joys of masturbation (what with porn 2.0 masturbation never need lose its fun) and should my willy ever get tired or I develop a blister, I can always go and masturbate in the gym! That is one form of masturbation that one need never get over. You can never have a perfect enough body y’know. I can get away with not looking like a total wanker because I can pretend that my seemingly perpetual presence is for ‘sport’. I work out all the time so that I can be better at ‘sport’. ‘Sport’ just means wanking about outside, which is even better!




By ‘sport’ I mean fucking women.